Of Southern Cheeks and Wrestling Tights
by Unorthodox Enigma
Summary: What happens when Rob Van Dam meets his supposedly biggest fan who's obsessed over something which Rob never thought of? Oneshot. Appearances by the Hardy brothers, John Cena and Sabu.


**AUTHORS**: Doreen and Chloe

**DISCLAIMER**: I do not own Robert Szatkowski, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, John Cena and Terry Bunk (Sabu); they own themselves. Oh yeah, Vince McMahon owns them too; at least, in terms of contracts. Doing thiss for fun. Anything related to the WWE belongs to Vince McMahon.

**A/N**: Chloe came up with the main idea of this fic. I just wrote in an intro, an ending and changed and edited a few things. Anyway, we came up with this fic when we were having one of our random SMS sessions and we were talking about what would happen if I meet Rob Van Dam. So guess who the girl in this fic is based on! XD

Robert Szatkowski groaned as he looked up at the monitor.

"Great, just great", he muttered. "A delayed flight".

He, along with the other Extremists from ECW and Superstars from Raw and SmackDown, were on their way to a pay-per-view event. It just so happened that their flight to New York has been delayed.

He plunked himself down on one of the chairs at the airport. His fellow wrestlers did the same. John Cena immediately drifted off into a deep slumber as soon as he sat down. Jeff Hardy, his face frowning in what Rob thought was irritation on the younger Hardy's face, sat down from across John, took out his iPod, leaned back in his seat and began listening to some loud, rock-heavy song. Matt Hardy sat next to his brother and moodily took out a thick book and began reading, his eyes concentrating intently on the book. Rob's good friend, Terry Bunk, took John's advice and drifted off to sleep too, snoring loudly. The other wrestlers were either asleep too or were wondering off somewhere, trying to make the time fly faster.

Rob suddenly felt the urge to use the men's restroom. He told Matt, who was the closest to him, where he was going and received a grunt from the older Hardy. Rob got up and made his way to the nearest restroom.

After a few minutes and after relieving himself, Rob walked out of the men's restroom to come face-to-face with something, or rather, someone. A happy, excited someone who was bouncing up and down in glee.

Rob stared at this… this… _creature_, in front of him.

He could tell it was female, from the long, flowing dark brownish hair with blonde highlights. She looked quite like a human, actually. She certainly dressed like one… But normal humans don't squeal like mice being tortured, and stamp their feet on the ground, while repeatedly shrieking, "AHHHH!! OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod!"

Did they?

He frowned, pondering this question in his mind.

"Hihihi! You're Rob Van Dam! OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod!"

Last time Rob checked, yes, his in-ring name was Rob Van Dam. Rob came to the conclusion that no, this _thing_ before his eyes was definitely not human.

He suddenly feared very much for his life. This _alien_ knew who he was!

"Don't kill me," he whispered, and whimpered, while taking a step back.

The alien stared at Rob unblinkingly, and in a sudden move clasped her hands together.

"Can I squeeze your Southern Cheeks?"

Rob forgot about his fear for a second and wondered what the alien was talking about. What the hell are Southern Cheeks? He was sure he didn't know what they were.

"So… Can I?"

Rob snapped out of his thoughts, and stared at the alien. He was about to ask her what Southern Cheeks were when he realized that her eyes kept straying to the bottom half of his body, as if trying to look behind him. It suddenly dawned upon Rob on what Southern Cheeks were.

"… You want to squeeze… my ass?"

The alien nodded happily, with a bit of drool flowing down her chin. Miraculously, Rob found enough courage to reply.

"N-No…"

And as soon as he said it, he instantly regretted ever straying so far away from the group just to find a bathroom to relieve his full bladder for just a few minutes. If there's one thing that Rob never knew, it was that he never knew that aliens could cry.

"B- But…," she choked out. "Y-Yours are… The best! In the whole WWE! They're firm, round and squeezable, and BOUNCY! Only your Southern Cheeks are BOUNCY! Unlike Lashley's fugly square blocks, or like MVP's flat pancakes!"

That heartfelt speech, added to the pained look on the alien's face, would probably even drive Vince McMahon to sell the WWE to her, for about 1 dollar.

Rob pondered on the alien's comment. He wondered what was so great about his ass. Sure, they're quite… round, as the alien would put it, and they do stick out rather noticeably more than the others, especially when he wore his wrestling attire…

The alien continued to cry loudly, attracting the stares of disapproving passer-bys. Rob was desperate to make her stop.

"Okay, okay! Please stop…" he pleaded. The crying got louder.

"Um… just one squeeze?" he said, lamely.

Robert Alexander Szatkowski had never before, in the past thirty-seven years of his life, felt so pathetic.

Oh, how his ass burned, as the alien inflicted merciless torture, even going so far as to pinch it and twist it.

Rob had never felt more embarrassed as he stood there with a teenage girl who was happily squeezing his ass, a dreamy look on her face. People were actually _staring_ at them, thinking that this was some sort of tasteless public display of affection between a perverted, older man and an aloof teenage girl. And what would Sonya think if he told her this? Or what if someone told her?

"That was _really_ nice," said the alien, drooling slightly.

Rob rubbed his ass and glared at the alien. She remained oblivious though, and suddenly started jumping up and down, clapping her hands excitedly.

"Can I have one of your wrestling tights? Oh can I can I can I?? I'm gonna take it home and every day I'll sniff it, and I'll go to sleep with it, hell, I'll even wear it as my underwear! Pleasepleaseplease!"

Rob had never felt so annoyed. "Okay, fine. Only one and you will not disturb me again, okay?"

She nodded furiously and for a moment Rob feared that her head might fly off. He reached into his duffel bag and took out a pair of tights. It was a good thing that he brought an extra pair.

"Here. Take it," he said, holding it out to her.

She grabbed it from him and began jumping up and down. "Yayyayyayyay! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!"

Rob smiled gratefully as she ran away somewhere, probably to pester someone else.

"What are you smiling about?" asked Rob as he got back to the others and sat next to Jeff Hardy.

Jeff shook his head, making "Tut tut tut" noises softly.

"What?"

Jeff looked at Rob and grinned. "What will Sonya think?"

"_You saw that_?" said Rob, appalled.

"Dude, who didn't? So how was it having your ass squeezed in public like that?"

"Shut up," said Rob, clearly annoyed.

Jeff laughed. "C'mon," he said, slapping Rob on the shoulder. "Our plane's here."

Rob quickly followed Jeff and the others to the departure gate, grateful that he could finally get away from that alien.

If he strained his ears properly, he swore that he could still hear the alien squealing gleefully to random people about how she got to squeeze Rob Van Dam's ass and his wrestling tights.

**FIN**


End file.
